Musings, Unbound

Taking Flight

A little over a year ago after my mother passed away, I sat down and created a space to share my thoughts and writings. This space, actually. In my ambition, I thought: “Surely, I am at the stage in my grieving process where I can begin to write and heal my heart.” Turns out, grief is a tricky thing, and it is not as linear as I once believed.

On July 8, 2015, my mother passed away. Even today when I say this out loud to people, the air goes out of my lungs and there is the sting of tears as I remember the switches being turned off, the audible silence of breaths being held, the unending screech of a flat-line, and the soft, damp patter of the CPAP machine artificially inflating her lungs even though she had already flown away. Then this millisecond memory passes, my breath returns, the tears don’t fall, and with a bittersweet smile, I can say, “My mom passed away. She prayed for God to take away her pain, and He did.”

It’s hard to deny that she’s no longer of this earth, no bargaining to be made, so I’ve spent the better part of the past year and a half between anger, depression, and acceptance. Admittedly, acceptance has been tough. It’s hard accepting that the world just moves on when you know it’s lost something so precious. Yet the sun continues to rise, oceans continue to kiss their many shores, oxygen continues to fill your lungs, you wake up, you go about your day, you go to sleep, and you find that, after awhile, you are moving on, too.

That’s really what this is all about. Moving on. Taking flight. Letting go of the pain and filling myself with purpose. Finding truth and solace in the infinite arrangement of 26 letters. I am still grieving and wrestling with anger and depression, but I accept that this is natural. I accept that, though this will never go away, it will lessen over time. I accept this grief, slightly cracked and antiqued on the edges but beautiful nonetheless, is a part of myself.

A little over a year ago after my mother passed away, I sat down and created a space to share my thoughts and writings. Today, I give true thanks to her memory and take flight.

Featured Image: Pixabay –  “Dandelion” by Comfreak (CC0 Public Domain)